Relationships 101: A higher love
I'm just going to say it now.
If you're in a relationship, just know that every other relationship is just like yours. Seriously. Things just happen at different times in your relationship than in others. So you may think you're alone during times of despair, but you're really not out of hope. You're really just experiencing things at different times in YOUR life.
I also promise you, most people are THE SAME. Maybe even worse, really. A lot of times people may skip around trying to find that somebody. Truth is, you will experience the SAME thing in another relationship, overtime! Everyone has the same type of basic needs and the biggest mistake when in a relationship is expecting the other person to make us happy. Relationships are really about MORE than that. Relationships are a lot of responsibility, it takes care, effort and a whole lot of forgiving to make a relationship work for the long run. Most people think that relationships shouldn't be work. Oh boy, were they surprised. To be in a relationship, at least a lasting relationship, it takes being selfless. A relationship requires a lot of putting the other person first, and when we both think about the other person, believe it or not, we both WIN. There's finally- balance.
Notice I didn't say it takes LOVE to have a lasting and fulfilling relationship. Of course love is present in a good relationship, but acts of selflessness is really the result of LOVE in a relationship overtime. You actually don't need to feel love to drive you to do something nice for your significant other. The tingly feeling that makes you want to go out of your way for someone is always temporary. It's present in brand new love or when you're lusting. If your intentions aren't right, this energy will fizzle out quickly, and is often behavior found in infidelity. This is why affairs never really last that long. Think about the first time you both first met. You went out of your way to look good, smell good, sound good, be good to the other person, right? You put in a lot of effort into the relationship in the beginning! Now this may be because you thought the other person was gorgeous, you just had to have them! That being said, remember that beauty fades. We need to see the other person for more than their exterior. In fact, we all know that no matter how gorgeous someone is on the outside, if they have an ugly attitude or character, things get old quick. Beauty will actually start to fade and all we can see is the ugliness inside that's being poured out. We may even start to see visible flaws in the person that we weren't able to see before. As brutal as this sounds, this trait is in everyone. Overtime, we can become unpleasant because of real life situations. So what the heck do we do? Well, we need to learn how to be forgiving. We need to see that we are not perfect either and excuse your loved one. If there is physical abuse present in the relationship, you need to separate yourself for your own safety. Relationships can still work even then, believe it or not. They would need a lot of care and counseling, and help is out there if you want it.
As time goes on, your relationship will go through "testing" so to speak. You will start to see the real person and they may be a lot different than when you first met them. As human beings, we go through a lot. We gain weight, our appearance may change, we get depressed, we aren't so patient about certain things anymore, we may have annoying habits, when we get married and have children it may get worse. This is where communication comes in, and with effective communication, we may be able to avoid potential problems. Some topics may be very sensitive, so you may want to find a good way to address your concerns to your significant other. This may require counseling, and proper guidance from an experienced professional. I do believe that good old fashioned open communication can work. There are ways to encourage good behavior without telling someone blantly what to do. If something makes you angry, you're most likely more hurt than angry. You want to be transparent and express the hurt. In relationships, hurt is heard more than anger. Nobody wants to deal with an angry person. It seems easier to deal with someone that feels hurt, because hurt expresses "I need help", anger on the other hand says "you're wrong", and naturally we run from that. So express your true feelings to your partner. They may be more willing to hear you out better if you are willing to be real and show them that you are vulnerable. A lot of times when we feel we can't express the hurt, we tend to get upset, angry.
So don't be surprised to find out that the new person you've met has the same issues as the last person you were with when time passes...they may be even worse. We are human we experience a lot of the same things believe it or not. The main point here is to learn how to deal with issues rather than to run from them. I promise you, we all go through the same problems, we all want the same thing. Now it's time to take the time to understand them, and learn what to do. I mentioned it above. We need to be selfless. I absolutely know, it is wayyyyyyy harder than it sounds. We live in a "me first" society. It explains why the world looks the way it does. If you're tired, and you want something different in your life, start to put your partner first, even when they're annoying you at times. This is not easy, I'll admit. It may literally feel like you're dying inside. The church actually calls this "dying to self". Even if it's just you making the first move, with acts of love comes true love. Your partner will be receptive to your actions and in turn will love you more than you've ever imagined. This is the beginning to a fulfilling relationship, and will lead to more intimacy in the relationship in all areas. Your loved one will change overtime. You will experience more balance in the relationship.
I encourage you to invest in your relationship today by doing an act of kindness a day. Write it down in a journal and your partner's progress each day for a month. I promise you will start to see positive changes in your relationship.
I'm aware that you are thinking if this is how a real lasting relationship runs, you don't want one anymore. lol. When there is one in the relationship brave enough, patient enough to "die to self" they will be able to lead the other into a higher level of love and live happily ever after. It can be real, never perfect, but still a whole new level of love and intimacy.
Below is an example journal of daily acts of kindness toward your partner. I promise overtime, you will receive a positive loving response, and your relationship will flourish. Don't give up...
Fun fact: The act of selflessness alone is known to save marriages regardless of the breakup! Even when only one partner takes action.
1. Choose how to express your daily actions regardless of how your partner behaves or responds. Consistency is key.
I'm not going to lie, this process is difficult. You will need to ask the Lord to help you with executing your goals to reach a new level in your relationship. You are worth it! Most importantly, You can do it! Philippians 4:13.
You are never experiencing difficulties on your own. If you're going through something difficult right now, know that someone has already overcome it, and so can you! Find help and resources at support@fullfledgedfoundation.com
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